White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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