saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
