Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
