I think I died a long time ago.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
