i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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