I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
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It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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