I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We're too hungover to prance.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
