sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
