quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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