So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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