Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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