This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
