Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
