I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
