god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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