I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
