My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
