[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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