apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
