Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
