i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision