i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party