bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex