I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger