Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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