from now on my penis is your penis
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
