I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
