i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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