all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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