I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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