Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I would ride that face into the sunset
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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