Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
