So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
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Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
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Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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