this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
