I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
