I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
