the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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