In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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