The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
In other news, I just burned my penis
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
ok first of all what the fuck
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
