Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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