I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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