no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
