used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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