he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
