God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
