you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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