Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
