nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill