mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion