I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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