fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run