haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
