Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Randomize
