Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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