Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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