If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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