I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
In other news, I just burned my penis
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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