I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
