hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats