something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
