yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
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It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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