I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
